Cinema Etiquette.

As a regular cinema goer, I feel I have to speak out about certain changes I have noticed in my cinematic experiences of late.  Maybe it's just a case of generation denial - you know the "In my day..." bladderings of old aged pensioners who seem to have forgotten that teenagers were, and always will be, obnoxious, loud and ugly. But maybe, especially with the popularity of mobile devices, social networking and our growing need to know exactly what we're all doing at all times, I am right to express my concern.

Cinema is no longer a hallowed ground.  It doesn't share the respect that other buildings like the local library or the church still seem to demand.  There was a time when you just didn't talk in the cinema.  When the whisper of an abhorrent adolescent was quickly followed by the angry "shhhush!" of someone who actually wanted to watch the film.  And that was it. No more noise.

In the past three to five years I have noticed the rise in background noise at the cinema. And it's not just from teenagers who don't know any better.  I have heard full on conversations between adults.  Sometimes discussing the events of the film, " What just happened there?" "Why'd he give that to her?" "What did she do that for?" "I haven't a clue what's going on, have you? Gimme some of those M&Ms."  Sometimes just inane chit chat; "Were you watching The Late Late last week, what did ye think of yer man with one arm and no body hair?"  Or sometimes repeating the lines of the film as they are spoken. Yes, this actually happened to me and my friends when we went to see "Django" recently.

Anyway, I digress.  The reason for this blog post is to teach those not in the know how to behave in the cinema. A "How To..." for cinema goers; old and young, regular and sporadic.

Why did you come here - whyyyyyy?

The Grumpy Nut's Guide to Cinema Etiquette.

DO...

1. Bring your own grub.  The food and drink at the cinema is extortionate.  BUT if you do this you must remember to take out all snacks before the film starts.  Have them on your lap, on the floor or on the chair beside you if it's free.  Open them if you can. Any actions that avoid rustling mid film are always good.

2. Take your coat off and make yourself comfortable before the film starts.

3. Arrive on time.  There's nothing worse than some tardy git squeezing past you as you try and take in the opening scene.

4. Put your feet up on the seat in front of you BUT only if it, and the seats beside it, are not occupied. Nobody wants someone's stinking Converse in or any where near their face while watching a flick.

DO NOT...

1. Hang your coat or bag on the seat in front of you.  This is really annoying for the person sitting in front.  Keep it on your lap, or on the floor (if it's not too sticky!)

2. Rustle.  Just... I mean a small amount of rustling is inevitable.  You have to remove the sweaty rain jacket, get comfy in the chair, open the Big Bag o Minstrels and stick the straw in the Giant Cup o Coke.  But this relentless, never ending... crumpling, scraping, shifting, fumbling. There is no popcorn left in the bag, just let it go!  I can't even describe how annoying - Grrrr!  Just. Don't. Do it.

3. Eat smelly food.  The cinema is not the place for your egg and onion sandwiches.  Or even a tube of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.  There's a reason cinemas only sell popcorn.  Yes, I'm talking to you, the clueless moron at Skyfall in the Odeon last month. Half way through the film he opens this bag of Tayto, releasing the stench of cheese & onion for all to retch.  And if that wasn't enough; he rustled the bag non-stop for the rest of the film, making sure he got every last crumb.  Smelly food and rustling!  He should be barred for life.

4. Talk.

5. Use a mobile phone/smart phone/tablet etc.  Oh, you're only sending a text are you?  Do you know how irritating it is to watch your screen light up every five minutes you get a text? Really? You selfish arsehole.  Oh, you want all your FB "friends" to know that you are witnessing the premier of "Star Wars IX, Luke Loses His Virginity", do you?  Well we're all trying to watch a film here, shithead! So put the fucking thing away before I stick it up your anus, sideways.

Thank you.

Crying.

I just finished watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" there. Had a good cry. It made me want to roll around in the snow with my husband, and fall in love all over again. So I cried. Cause he's not here and I am. Jesus, it's crap being away from home. Being away from him. Being away from everyone I know and love. I'm a right little whinger, aren't I?

Seriously, what did you expect?

It made me think of other films that make me cry. I reckon "American Beauty" is a full on snivelling, snot fest. I think I sobbed for about two weeks after I first saw it. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I cried all the way home from the cinema. On the 41C, no bother to me. I wasn't always so comfortable with my public displays of emotion. When I was a kid I fought them tears hard. A lump would build in my throat as I looked around me to see if anyone was watching me, it actually really fucking hurt! I'd be sitting there and I'd feel them coming. The lump in my throat starts to build, eyes sting as I held the tears back, then the chin would go. Shaking like I'd just come in from an Arctic expedition. Eventually I had to give in and let the tears spour down my face.

Thank god I don't have to go through that crap any more. These days I'm a happy and open, emotional wreck. I can go at any time. Today I was in local café, having a coffee, reading the paper; a sad story about a local girl and I started to cry. The man across from me noticed and remarked on how he wished the papers would print something happy for a change. I sniffed and nodded back at him in agreement.

So, I was thinking of making a list of films that are guaranteed to make you bawl. Please add any as you see fit but keep in mind I will slag your choices if I don't agree. And I am very picky in my film choices. For example; "The Notebook" just don't cut it. Sorry girls, but it's shit. But "It's a Wonderful Life", now that's a classic tearjerker.  So here goes anyway, let me know if you agree or not and like I said add on the ones you won't watch without a box of Kleenex at the ready.

Captain's Courageous: If nothing else, see this film.

E.T. - I love it cause it makes me cry happy tears as well as sad ones.

Garage - You'll want to take the same route as Josie after watching this little Irish gem.

Love Actually - Emma Thompson after she opens that Joni Mitchell CD, your heart breaks with hers.

Awakenings - Don't let De Niro go back to sleep!

Goodbye Mr. Chips - If only teachers were really like this.

Empire of the Sun - Christian Bale as a child actor just blows me away.

Brokeback Mountain - Beautiful love story, rips your heart out and serves it to ya on a skewer.

Erin Brockovich - When she visits the families at the end I just couldn't hold it in.

Captains Courageous - Just see it, please. If you are going to watch just one of these films make it this one!

It's on to you now!

Food n Film

So last night I made a delicious dinner for me and husband and just thought I'd share yis the recipe.  I made it up myself from the ingredients in the fridge and we both agreed it was really tasty.  I love to cook tons of vegetables as I don't really eat carb high foods like pasta and rice - they leave me too bloated.  So if you think the Aubergine is too much just leave it out.

Creamy, Spicey Chicken with Aubergine & Mashed Parsnip

So delicious, it was gone before I'd the chance to take a pic!

Ingredients:

2 Chicken fillets, sliced into thin strips

1 Red onion peeled and chopped

80g Chorizo sausage chopped into thin semi circles

1 or 2 Aubergines, thinly sliced lengthways

1 large Parsnip, peeled and chopped loosely

A large handful of Mangetout

80ml single cream

For the marinade:

Juice of half a lemon

2 Cloves garlic, peeled then crushed or grated

1 Chili, chopped finely - you may take the seeds out if you like it less spicey

1 small handful of oregano, basil and coriander, chopped loosely

1 Tbsp Extra virgin olive oil

Method:

1. Mix all of the marinade ingredients together.  Put half of the marinade on the Aubergine and mix the other half with the chicken and mangetout; cover and leave for at least an hour.

2. When the hours up; turn the grill onto medium heat and start grilling the marinated Aubergine.  You can also put the parsnip on now - I use a steamer but you can boil it in some salty water if you wish.  Around 15 - 20 mins should do it.

3. Heat up a large frying pan and add the chorizo.  Let the chorizo soften and release all those delicious spicey oils before adding the chicken and the mangetout with the marinade.  When it starts to take colour add the onion and reduce the heat to low - medium.  Fry for a few minuted before adding the cream.

4. All the time you are keeping an eye on  the Aubergine which will need to be turned half way through.  When they are done, leave them under a very low grill to keep them warm.

5. The parsnip should be done so take them out and mash them up with a little bit of the olive oil - just a teaspoon should do it.  Add salt and pepper to taste.

6. Serve the creamy chicken & mangetout over a few large spoons of the mashed parsnip, with the grilled aubergine on the side.  

Enjoy x x

Also wanted to recommend a film me and husband saw recently - Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris. A beautiful, fun flick that left us feeling very inspired and in love with a city we've never even visited!