Friday, 15 March 2013

Cinema Etiquette.

As a regular cinema goer, I feel I have to speak out about certain changes I have noticed in my cinematic experiences of late.  Maybe it's just a case of generation denial - you know the "In my day..." bladderings of old aged pensioners who seem to have forgotten that teenagers were, and always will be, obnoxious, loud and ugly. But maybe, especially with the popularity of mobile devices, social networking and our growing need to know exactly what we're all doing at all times, I am right to express my concern.

Cinema is no longer a hallowed ground.  It doesn't share the respect that other buildings like the local library or the church still seem to demand.  There was a time when you just didn't talk in the cinema.  When the whisper of an abhorrent adolescent was quickly followed by the angry "shhhush!" of someone who actually wanted to watch the film.  And that was it. No more noise.

In the past three to five years I have noticed the rise in background noise at the cinema. And it's not just from teenagers who don't know any better.  I have heard full on conversations between adults.  Sometimes discussing the events of the film, " What just happened there?" "Why'd he give that to her?" "What did she do that for?" "I haven't a clue what's going on, have you? Gimme some of those M&Ms."  Sometimes just inane chit chat; "Were you watching The Late Late last week, what did ye think of yer man with one arm and no body hair?"  Or sometimes repeating the lines of the film as they are spoken. Yes, this actually happened to me and my friends when we went to see "Django" recently.

Anyway, I digress.  The reason for this blog post is to teach those not in the know how to behave in the cinema. A "How To..." for cinema goers; old and young, regular and sporadic.

Why did you come here - whyyyyyy?

The Grumpy Nut's Guide to Cinema Etiquette.


1. Bring your own grub.  The food and drink at the cinema is extortionate.  BUT if you do this you must remember to take out all snacks before the film starts.  Have them on your lap, on the floor or on the chair beside you if it's free.  Open them if you can. Any actions that avoid rustling mid film are always good.

2. Take your coat off and make yourself comfortable before the film starts.

3. Arrive on time.  There's nothing worse than some tardy git squeezing past you as you try and take in the opening scene.

4. Put your feet up on the seat in front of you BUT only if it, and the seats beside it, are not occupied. Nobody wants someone's stinking Converse in or any where near their face while watching a flick.


1. Hang your coat or bag on the seat in front of you.  This is really annoying for the person sitting in front.  Keep it on your lap, or on the floor (if it's not too sticky!)

2. Rustle.  Just... I mean a small amount of rustling is inevitable.  You have to remove the sweaty rain jacket, get comfy in the chair, open the Big Bag o Minstrels and stick the straw in the Giant Cup o Coke.  But this relentless, never ending... crumpling, scraping, shifting, fumbling. There is no popcorn left in the bag, just let it go!  I can't even describe how annoying - Grrrr!  Just. Don't. Do it.

3. Eat smelly food.  The cinema is not the place for your egg and onion sandwiches.  Or even a tube of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.  There's a reason cinemas only sell popcorn.  Yes, I'm talking to you, the clueless moron at Skyfall in the Odeon last month. Half way through the film he opens this bag of Tayto, releasing the stench of cheese & onion for all to retch.  And if that wasn't enough; he rustled the bag non-stop for the rest of the film, making sure he got every last crumb.  Smelly food and rustling!  He should be barred for life.

4. Talk.

5. Use a mobile phone/smart phone/tablet etc.  Oh, you're only sending a text are you?  Do you know how irritating it is to watch your screen light up every five minutes you get a text? Really? You selfish arsehole.  Oh, you want all your FB "friends" to know that you are witnessing the premier of "Star Wars IX, Luke Loses His Virginity", do you?  Well we're all trying to watch a film here, shithead! So put the fucking thing away before I stick it up your anus, sideways.

Thank you.